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Yours, mine, and ours ♡
Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme
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 PROFILE
TANJIAHUI, 1212199125; LES MILLS addict. BODYCOMBAT • BODYPUMP • BODYBALANCE • CXWORX • Together since 21.04.2008 Mrs Khoo since 12.12.2012 I'm happy to live my life the way I like it. Some may say it's unconventional, I prefer to think of it as defying the status quo and following where my heart brings me to. Do what makes you happy; you can't please everyone. xoxo, jh Follow me, I'd love to meet you (: 
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October 2014
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Friday, October 10, 2014
Short lived
This should be my final blog post here in a while.
It's taken me a lot of though and finally, I decided that I am going to publish this and make it public. Just like everything that happened in my life, I think this is a learning experience for me and I know I'm not the only one who is going through this, so at the same time I also hope that this will render some sort of support for ladies going through the same thing as me.
Disclaimer: This is going to be a long wordy post, and if you see no point or feel like being snotty over something that never lived is crazy and ridiculous, then I suggest you leave now to save yourself the pain of having to read through this.
A LETTER TO YOU
Dear Baby K,
I'm not even sure if calling you "baby" is appropriate, after all when I lost you, you were no more than a ball of cells without a heartbeat; which I'm thankful, in a way for, as this meant that when you were so cruelly taken away from me, you never lived, and that made it a lot easier for me to cope.
When we first learnt that you were present, it changed our lives forever. It was a short lived 8 days of joy, anxiety, worry, fear. It's incredible how something as small as yourself was able to cause so much mayhem in all the fully grown adults who knew about you. From my mum, his parents', to a handful of people who knew about you before, you left so much of an impact.
I wish I could have had the chance to hold you, to see you grow and to have had more than 8 days with you, but perhaps this is not the right time. It's funny how suddenly you came, and it's frightening to know that equally suddenly, you can just disappear. We had a great time the past week - strollers, milk powders, baby clothes, baby names - all the memories somewhat too painful to even think about now.
When I saw the blood yesterday, I somehow already knew in my heart that I'd already lost you, I didn't want to believe that, but the hopes that you were still there seemed faint. When Dr Teo told me she couldn't see anything from the ultrasound, I knew that my fears had been confirmed. Chemical pregnancy, or in layman terms, a very early miscarriage. Dr Teo said that you probably never developed and never made it to the uterus. I couldn't help but think if there was anything I could have done differently to save you,. But I really couldn't, it's really something beyond my control.
Some people may think I'm crazy; crying and being upset over something that never lived. It is true that I never got to see you, or hear your heart beat. But as anyone who has gone through a chemical pregnancy (and knew it) will tell you, you will still feel like you lost your child. It's insane how much tears I cried over you, despite knowing that you never lived. I woke up today, feeling like I had lost a part of me.
A mum's attachment to her child perhaps, starts from the very first time she sees that positive test. It's a feeling, both finding out that you are pregnant, and knowing that a week later, you no longer are, that's too complex to put in words. I guess ultimately, it really dawned on me now, how difficult it is for a new life to form.
You know, your dad has been the most wonderful person throughout this time. He has been so excited, I know though he isn't showing it, he's just as upset and disappointed as I am. He's been the greatest pillar of support, and the safest I feel is when both his arms are around me. Thank you kfh, you really are the best decision and best thing that could have happened to me.
I don't need another blood test on Monday to know that you have long gone, but on the doctor's orders, I will still go. I hope you are in a better place somewhere Xiao Dou, perhaps you will find better parents with better abilities to care for you. I hope one day, I will still get to see you again and have you in my arms.
We will still be waiting.
Lots of love and always on our minds.
♡♡♡♡♡
I think the whole point of this post is, just like in all other situations, for me to have closure. In the future when I return to this blog, it won't be left hanging and I will be reminded always, of how much this little ball of cells have changed our lives so drastically.
Telling someone you're pregnant is difficult; telling someone who knows that you're no longer pregnant and had a miscarriage - that's heartbreaking. To this short lived memory, you'll always be deeply etched in our hearts.
To my friends and family, for both who know and don't know, thanks for all the concern and love. I know most people choose to keep this part of their lives private, but being the person I am, I want every part of my life to be a learning experience and I know I will be stronger from this. It probably will take some time for me to be able to look at another baby in the face though, haha.
When I return with another post on this blog, you can be sure it will be good news the next time (:
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YJust a little change, small to say the least
Both a little scared, neither one prepared, beauty and the beast |
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